Monday, April 30, 2012

glass heart

little heart

glass heart

clear heart

dear heart

i hear you at last...

never again shall i give you away in vain


(It's about being in the present moment...that's what surfing is all about- Jack Johnson)

As I watched "Drifter" this weekend and felt the tears stream down my face because my very soul and being screamed for freedom- a freedom from everything, a freedom I cannot describe, a freedom that many other restless souls know and crave everyday of their lives... and it is only when we hear their keening that we feel understood, understanding them...

What is this freedom that my heart yearns for, screams for?

I am alone. I own myself. So what is this craving and yearning?

I think it is a contentment and peace... a silence almost, in my mind. When I allow myself to be completely "present" I am free...

I feel the tears fill my eyes when I first get there, to this my haven- and then slowly I melt into the feeling, accepting, surrendering, breathing... being.

It happens more and more frequently now, if I will only allow myself to overcome the fear and panic that happen just before- the fear and panic borne out of "letting go"... which must happen before I can be free. Most people need to go into ashrams and retreats. I note that I merely need to recede into ME...

It is the most loving embrace I have ever felt- my own! It is the most comforting place I have ever been- home, ever within me.... while I, like a woman possessed, searched all over in vain. It has its shadows and cobwebs, but it is mine. I OWN it. It is me and it is


There I find it all...


Thursday, April 12, 2012


As she talks of her loss and pain, I am reminded of mine. As she described having pulled away out of a fear of loss- I gave her an example... of what I had done and how I miss and grive over Gandalf everyday as the second year since I pulled away is almost at the halfway mark.

Today she asked me if I had read "Tuesday's with Morrie"?
I feel a sharp twinge in my heart and a thud as it drops and the sting of tears in my eyes.
I miss him.
I miss Gandalf.
I miss the man who has been an example of complete acceptance of me...
The only person I have ever known to do that for me.
I feel an ache in my heart and I shed tears over him today...
I miss my wizard
A lot...