Thursday, April 28, 2016

Raising daughters...

It's a jungle out there.
Give them the skills they need to navigate it. 

Teach them:-
Singlemindedness of purpose
The ability to let go
The desire to hold on
The worth of that which cannot be bought-
The value of a life, any life, every life
How to have fun
How to fight dirty when needed
How to bend with the storm
And above all

Tuesday, April 26, 2016


The only hold others have over you is you holding on...
At some point you have to let go
And free yourself-

Monday, April 25, 2016

Mean hearts-

What emptiness of existence leads to a mean heart...?

After days of facing mean, I came home today bruised in spirit and soul.
"I want to read Chrysanthemum and play parcheesi!"
I told Bug!
"Let's do it she said..." Remembering her childhood tale about bullies who will try to snuff the joy out of a shining soul.

Sometimes the grown up world is full of bullies too!

So we read a bedtime story...
And it was divine.
And then I sang to her our song- 

-You are my sunshine...

And then we played our other song-

And lastly this one...

And then it all settled into place. Perspective! 

Nothing else mattered but what I held in my arms this very moment!
This was life!
This mattered...

Not the fucking shit I've been dealing with!

This, here in my arms was life-

And I thought, what emptiness of spirit leads to such a mean heart!?

It did not matter to me anymore. They did not matter and neither did their actions.

Here in my arms was my universe intact!

How then could anything ever touch me?

When you are love and filled with love, hate and mean cannot touch you...

My blessing always, this beautiful treasure...

Thursday, April 14, 2016


I'm not quite sure when or how my heart starts to close off but it does.

I want to keep it open...wide open...

There was a man today playing conga drums outside the Reading Terminal Market. A homeless woman missing her two front teeth enjoyed and danced to the music. She was having so much fun!
I stood next to her and danced with her. She liked my red hair. I thought she was beautiful, how she enjoyed the music, lost in it. I told her I thought she was beautiful. We connected. She did not ask me for anything.

I returned to conferencing, exhilarated by the interaction. Later this evening, I wanted to show Bug the Market so I brought her to grab a bite. We bought some pastries after and thought we'd see the Liberty Bell and then head back to the hotel to rest and enjoy our pastries.

We headed off in the wrong direction and I wanted to step into a store to get directions. Outside the store, the homeless woman from earlier today saw me. She came over to talk and I told her I remembered her from earlier. I'm not sure if she remembered me, but she approached me and asked if I could spare some change. And that is when it happened. My brain process- I'm on a budget this trip- I need to buy Bug a car-I'm a single parent-I only had 20's in my wallet...

So I told her I was sorry and turned away.

(The night before last as I walked to the hotel in the cold, and saw the homeless huddled asleep by the grates for warmth, I thanked God for his blessings- that I was headed to a warm place to rest my head with a full belly. It was only a matter of chance I was not them and they were not me. I thought, tomorrow I should bring a box of food for them. The same thought crossed my mind when I walked to the conference this morning. The homeless were gone by then but I knew they'd be back by nightfall.)

Just now after a tasteless takeout order I did not want to eat is sitting outside my hotel room I am in turmoil. I am wasting food! Furthermore, I wasted money on food I did not eat. I wasn't even that hungry in the first place. I was just gluttonous and wanted... Food... Food that did not satisfy.
Was I hungry- no, it was just the desire that I might want some before I went off to bed.
Not need...

The homeless woman today who asked me to help had a need! And I did not help her... I had other wants- a car for Bug, budgets, etc but not really "needs".

After all I had a car and we can share it. I had more than enough money to give the homeless woman but my heart was closed. 

And tonight this thought broke it open, and the breaking hurts. 
My guilt hurts.
I am glad it hurts.
The hurt means my heart is open.
And tomorrow if I see that woman I am taking her out to have lunch with me.

After all SHE gave me joy today- as she danced, and we briefly interacted. I took the joy she gave me, I was greedy. I needed that joy to brighten my closed off heart. I was also selfish and took without giving back!
And this thought makes me tear up because it hurts...
I am glad it hurts.
The hurt means my heart has opened again.
So this woman who I refused to help earlier helps me still, and opens my heart yet again for a second time today.
First with joy this afternoon
And now with sorrow and guilt and understanding and kindness and empathy.

She is a beautiful angel, and gave me so much! I hope she has a warm place to sleep tonight and some food in her belly...

I hope she will forgive me.
I ask my creator for forgiveness for not helping her today, but never again shall I be unwilling to help...