buttons

we wear them all the time
sometimes unaware
emotional buttons
logic buttons
trigger buttons
my favorite one for now
seems to be
the "self destruct" button
i toy with it
play with it
like a time bomb ticking
it will explode one day!
and i with it...

if i am not careful

i WILL self destruct
...in time...

carefull-

i wonder what that means sometimes

what does it mean to be "careful"
does it mean being aware?
because i am aware...
i just simply do not care
i do not give a fuck
when i self destruct

i know i must change
get a grip
chill
let it go
be present
yada yada yada

i do try
all the while
and for all my trying
some days
it all goes to hell
anyway...
and then
who gives a fuck?
not i said the dog
not i said the cat
and honey badger certainly don't give a damn...
yes it all goes to hell sometimes
and i with it

i play with it
my "self destruct" button
i am putting it away
TODAY!

i want to care
to give a fuck!
it's ME for pete's sake
not some old lousy schmuck
he should go
FUCK himself!
and i should give a damn
and i am
starting NOW

that self destruct mode can no longer be
a part of my psyche-

fucking buttons!
fucking people!
fucking LIFE!
but it is
MY FUCKING LIFE!
so yeah
i'm putting that damn button away
...

fin