Regret

..."I know I can't take one more step towards you
'cos all that's waiting is regret.
I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most..."

YOU were the one I loved the most-
It took looking at myself through my daughters eyes to see the truth. To see my pain. To see the hurt. To see the damage that one bastard caused. It took looking at myself through my child's eyes to see how often I had allowed him to take me for granted and rip me to shreds. It took my daughter's quiet observation to snap me out of my trance of weakness. It took me seeing myself as my child sees me to recognize my own strength and resolve...

"...But I have grown far too strong to ever fall back into your arms..."

She heard this in her music class yesterday and said that the lyrics hit close to her... and she had me listen to it after dinner last night...

..."you broke all your promises...
...don't come back for me, don't come back at all..."

EVER
You are my biggest mistake and my biggest regret to date-

Disorientation

There is confusion
I am directionless
Shattered in soul
Broken in heart
Alone
Oh so alone...
I seem to have left every relationship I knew- so far behind....
I am forging some new ones and trying to mend those that have been in dire need of repair
I am unwilling to be taken for granted
I am unwilling to be misused and mistreated
I am unwilling to settle
for just anything...
less than what I want
I KNOW what I don't want
I am searching for what I do want
And it is so humbling
The loneliness
And the empty road before me
And even as I sit and contemplate the infinite road that lies before me
Going onward long into the distance
Even as it overwhelmes and terrifies me
Even as I shake and break into sobs at the immse task before me
I know I shall soon get up and begin to walk...
For a while I sit and I cry
I pray for courage and for strength
I carry my flask filled with hope to sustain me
I falter as I try to get up and stumble again to my knees
I touch my head to the earth
In recognition of my fear
In prayer to the lord above to give me grace
In acknowledgement of my present and of my past
I am nameless
And I am alone
And I contemplate the vastness of the universe of which I am a part
And I can think of only one word to give me strength
Hu...
HE IS...
And thus I know I am
And this too shall pass...

An ending

Tired
So tired
Of all the ugly words and all the games.

I loved with all my heart
Gave it all
Many times over
And I am left with my shame
Because I lost
AGAIN

But why the shame
Shame says I am...
I am not
shame...

I am love
I gave love
I tried with all my might
To make something right
Something
That meant a lot to me...
Work!
Work out all right

I tried
I cried
I toiled
I fought
With every breath and fiber of me
For it
For my love

I guess some things
Are just NOT meant to be

And some people are just
NOT meant for us

What is mine will come my way
What is not will never stay

Amen
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Another story comes to a close
A new chapter must start

Breathe in
Walk on
Dear sweet tender loving heart...

Cherish your gifts
Hold them tight
Until there is one
That deserves them

And this time
Remember
Trust
Truth
Respect
Love is born of the three-