I fight to find peace-

Fighting teaches us about WHO we are...

I'd heard that but never quite knew what that meant. I discovered that this week. I was in my Muay Thai fight class, being a terror beast as always feeling the blood throbbing in my head, adrenaline pumping through my veins- in my element. I'd do my kicks and knee my partner in the side and then I'd "attempt" to anticipate my partner's move and control the outcome. I kept at it this way until Graeme- my instructor, came up and stated, "Just go with what he does Shahnaz..."

It struck me for the first time ever- that is what I try to do in life! I attempt to control everything. Much as I'd like to believe that I am spontaneous, I attempt to control the outcome of everything. Sure I am spontaneous in my action when it comes to fun, but in most other events I attempt control.

I try to control events when I am afraid and in an unfamiliar situation. It is difficult for me to just go with the flow because.... well, because I might lose- get hurt. And yet all the joy of living is lost when I do that. Because I am not really there, present in the situation any more. I have retracted to a place in my head. It is under those circumstances when my stuck points happen. It is there that I get trapped into patterns. I get trapped because I am simply stuck on repeat, in an endless loop in my own head. A prisoner of my own habit and mind. I retreat to my head because it is familiar. But then truthfully no learning and growth can happen in familiarity. We already know the familiar. It is the new and unknown that teaches us...

I wondered too about Graeme, as I continued to throw punches and kicks. From what I have known of him he is very contained and controlled in his life outside of fighting. On the mats though, he is a sight to behold. He moves like poetry in motion. Like a fluid part of the universe, unfettered he glides across the mats- lightning quick and lethal! I remember the first time I saw him move. It took my breath away. He is one with what he does. 'He LOVES this,' I secretly thought to myself.... 'He moves across the mats like my hands move across the canvas when I paint, or my mind when it conjures up words.' It occurred to me- 'He has no fear on the mats. It is in life that his fear kicks in. That is why in life he is contained and controlled.'

Fear traps us into endless patterns of mistakes and repeats- more of the same moments! To truly learn and change, one must be fearless. One has to be willing to lose it all to gain all. That is when growth happens.

I think back to events in my life. It is when I have gambled everything I had and owned that I have GAINED and GROWN the most.

Kate Matista sat with me as I plotted my big move, ready to give up everything to be with the man I loved. She did not reprimand or try to convince otherwise. She merely sat by and let me do- be me, completely. In that effort of loss was my big gain. I saw truth for what it was... futility. And so I grew and I gained. Acceptance happened and then the tears...

Michael Naylor drew my attention to myself this past weekend when he said,
"Are you so unaware of your own light and how brightly you shine?"
"I shine?" I thought to myself...
I did not know I even had a light.
I took a risk and believed him. I stepped out of my head for a moment and closed my eyes and took in his reflection of me. Scared he might be wrong and even more scared that he might be right...
Then what?
What if he is right.
Sometimes the pain of love, acceptance and happiness is just as great as the pain of hurt and sorrow.
"I want to believe you..." I told him. But it hurts and I am afraid.
"It hurts because your heart is cracking open to receive my love..."
"It feels a lot like my heart breaking." I gasped as my eyes filled with tears...
"It is merely stretching and opening to receive what it deserves. Breathe..."
And I breathed and felt the tears wet my face as something snapped and feeling returned to an icy coldness.

Russ Hudson said to me once- Every moment of your life should feel like stepping off a cliff Shahnaz...
I am reminded also of the moment when I asked him,
"How can a 7 transcend to enlightenment?"
"Embrace your sorrow, Shahnaz."
My eyes had filled with tears then too, because he could see into the depths of my soul and see the hurt that resides within. I have been afraid of my own pain. That is why I have been stuck in endless patterns in life. The minute I became unafraid of my pain I was able to transcend my pattern and get over a toxic love I have been wounded and tormented by. I have been on a journey this year. I begin to see at last that I am "getting somewhere". For a while back there it felt like I was driving in circles...and I was... and each circle took me lower- so low that I went into the very edge of despair... and deeper- so deep that I was terrified I would be swallowed up, lose myself completely and lose my mind... closer- so close to my own self that it appeared that the universe existed in me a part of me closer and closer to  my own essence! Which is merely an extension of universal essence. I am, simply put, a small spark of divinity. As is any other soul- just such a spark. It is in my own essence that my truth is revealed. All I will ever need exists within me. At which point I am freed.

I am free to simply BE...
And then peace happens.

The more present I am in reality, the easier come the tears. Of late my eyes fill often. My daughters face, the beauty of an autumn sky, Sophie's gurgling voice, the sun on my skin, a warm embrace- all fill my heart with an indescribable joy.

I  am grateful to all the teachers that have brought me to this place of knowingness...
Russ, Kate, Michael, Graeme...
I am grateful and eternally blessed for your presence.

Yes I fight.
I fight so that I may find peace...