The curious case of Benjamin Button-

Indeed!
So where in time shall we look in the mirror?
Ahhh life- all sorts of fucked up eh... LOL!

Feelin' the music
And yup, yup holding my head up high-
What does not kill me
Only makes me stronger

Ashes and dust-

So it is-
It came out last night.
Insipid poison
That seared in a banal sort of way.
Awareness and knowing already present
Merely needing a confirmation
And the truth
From the mouths of those
That be

Numb since hearing
I broke
Woke from slumber
To evoke
Emotion
And blessed feeling
It came
In wave
Upon wave
And I asked
And I heard
And I felt it
Imprint upon my brain
All that I already knew

I shall take me apart
Atom by atom
As I come undone
Wafer thin
Feather light
Translucent
Open wide
The vast reserves
Of pain
And let it seep
Seep in
Merge
Entwine
Weave into my being
Take hold of me
And break me down
To nothing
Naught
And then
I shall go one step further
Add some more
Just for good measure
To ensure
No suffering is left undone

And thus
When the dust settles
As I come crumbling down
And nothing remains but the ash
Of the conflagration
I shall know
I can endure
Life

If I had heart enough
To love
I have heart enough
To hurt

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
In wisdom lie
Formless must
And thus when
The time is right
New found emerge
And float upon the wind...

judas

Judas to my Christ
Brutus to my Caesar
Delilah to my Samson

Oh Love!
How could you?

And in the end
Of it all
History weeps

Oh Love-
How could you?

And so it sits
With us
The declaration

Oh love...
how could you.......

Flung out in anger
To hurt- then denied
In awareness of consequence

Oh love
How could you.

Slowly seeping
Into my being
Knowing---

oh love
love
love
how
could you?

then and now

I saw him instantly- a little lost, a little scared, a little curious a lot hurt...
"Will you talk?" he asked.
"Shall I let down my hair or do you plan on climbing up the wall?" I laughed and said.
He used the stairs- this time.
And we talked...
I saw HIM in brief glimpses like a shy moon hiding in the clouds. I asked who hurt him and saw the raw pain in eyes I have come to love. And it came and went- the real HIM- it came and went in spurts. Here one instant, gone the next. I found myself curious and waited for the moments when HE would let the guard down and show himself.

-I don't think I can do this-

And then it came- HIM- and it stayed... and so I stayed. I sent him a "W"...
There was laughter, fun- I won the champ's belt! There were smiles and oh yes, I held his hand...
I walked on the beach with HIM, beside a happy ocean. I lay in the warm sand with my head in HIS lap and saw fireworks against a dusky sky... we danced in the sunset and kissed goodbye.

We talked for hours and HE was always there. We agreed and disagreed... We football(ed) and polo(ed)... We laughed and we cried... and HE was there.

-that was then-

-and this is now-

We talked last night and HE was barely there. I drove to see HIM the other day and HE was not there. I asked for pancakes and HE took me to Waffle House! I see HIM now in stunted sections... I see HIM now hardly there.
HE's buried himself and gone away- behind high walls and to odd little places in his head. HIS heart is cold, HIS love is thorns... HE throws darts at me that sting with a poison I keep inside and yet... why?

What did I do wrong?
I stand outside and cry-

...and this is now...

I see HIM. I see what he does to HIM. And so I cry... And I see what HE does to me. And so I cry...

A hug, a kiss and a toss in the air-
That was then-

Last night the ugly words came out at the very end
Flung by him to break my heart
But he is a silly man, see...
HE has my heart.
It beats in HIM and so all he does is break his own which beats in me... and so HE hurts and hurts me too and HE breaks and breaks me too

And this is now-

I know HIM. I want HIM.
I have no use for him- who guards and holds hostage my love...
I have always been with HIM. I am not content with less than that... and so it stands-

...and this is now...

...and so love dies...

ego
pride
wrong
or...
right?

change me
take me
make me
break me...

who did?
you did-
i did
we both did...

truth
and lies...
hope
demise
-----------

who aches
you do
i do
we do

who's afraid
i am
you are
so why
not say it
we are...
afraid
oh so afraid-

who loves
you do
i do
you
me
we do...
l-o-v-e

yet
we
ache
and break
and tear apart
you
me
...

WE
TEAR
APART
OUR
L-O-V-E

WHY?
why
why
why
why
why...
w-h-y

Love me
Hold me
Let me
Love you

Love you
Hold you
Want to
Love you

which will it be?

Me
You

or

We
Us

----------------------------------

ego
pride
win
hide
lie
cry
soon we must all die...

then why?

why-

cry...

because

we won!

oh but what have we won!!!

our,

ego
pride
demise
----

and so love dies...

have a heart
lose the battles
win the war
humble self
ego forgo
courage gain
and let not ever your
LOVE
die in vain

for it dies in vain-
and so love dies...

have a heart
true to you heart remain

Stargazer Lillies-

"Tuesdays can be so ridiculous and charming sometimes.
If actions speak louder than words, this is my way of shouting.
It's hip to be square goofy!"

MADE ME SMILE TODAY-
Still grinning...

And yes I am square and proud to be!

Thanks for making me smile.
I needed it too!

...and words... how they can hurt-

"so now you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you have lost me forever..."

and the tears streamed down my face,
as i drove down the road
the words ringing in my head
over
and over
and over...
like a chant.
i turned up the music
louder and louder and louder
and it would not drown out
the words-
oh how they sting...

Charming- the gift...

Happiness

Free association with that word

Searching
Fleeting
Found
Lost
Desire
Want
WANT
Love
Laughter
Freedom
Peace
Mountain top
Beach
Waves
Ocean
Found when I am lost in the arms of the one I love
Found in the eyes of love
Seeking
Hoping
Surrender

"Happiness is a place..." E.E. Cummings

What place?
What address?
How do I get there?
How far?
How long?
Can I buy it?
Can I rent it?
Can I stay?
May I stay?
I'd like to stay...

"It took me much too long to understand, happiness lies in my own hands..." Madonna

(Held hands up to my eyes in the light. Took a long look. A hard look. Ran fingers over the surface. Gazed a while at the lines... wondered what they foretold, what fortune held in store for me...)

Can I touch it?
Feel it?
Have it?
Hold it?
Own it?
Make it mine?
Please be mine...

"Authentic happiness can be yours too- through the approach of positive psychology..." Martin Seligman

Ahhh- the science of happiness
Quantity and quality and manufacture and all that jazz!

Make it?
Break it?
Fake it?
Take it?
Can I get it?
I want it...

Happiness-

Ground beneath her feet-

Wisdom from Gandalf.
Awareness.
And so now I know-

So cruel-

We crossed the line
Who pushed who over?
It doesn't matter to you
It matters to me
Were cut adrift
We're still floating
I'm only hanging on
To watch you go down
My love

I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted

The men who love you, you hate the most
They pass right through you like a ghost
They look for you, but your spirit is in the air
Baby, you're nowhere

Oh ... love ...
You say in love there are no rules
Oh ... love ...
Sweetheart,
You're so cruel

Desperation is a tender trap
It gets you every time
You put your lips to her lips
To stop the lie

Her skin is pale like Gods only dove
Screams like an angel for your love
Then she makes you watch her from above
And you need her like a drug

Oh ... love ...
You say in love there are no rules
Oh ... love ...
Sweetheart,
You're so cruel

She wears my love like a see-through dress
Her lips say one thing
Her movements something else
Oh love, like a screaming flower
Love ... dying every hour ... love

You don't know if it's fear or desire
Danger the drug that takes you higher
Head in heaven, fingers in the mire

Her heart is racing, you can't keep up
The night is bleeding like a cut
Between the horses of love and lust
We are trampled underfoot

Oh ... love ... You say in love there are no rules
Oh ... love ...
Sweetheart,
You're so cruel

Oh ... love ...
To stay with you I'd be a fool
Sweetheart
You're so cruel

Charming-

Shapes-hearts, circles
Poetry-romantic, epic
Poet-Rumi...

A pencil
A feeling
Some paper
A little time
A lot of thought
And so the hand moves
And creates
And I can hardly wait
To see it
My happy gift
Tenderly toiled over
Each flick
Each mark
Driven
By
Care
Acceptance
Love...
And a generous spirit
That watches over me
From afar
And yet
So close

This one is for you-

Fix You

In a weird mood today-

And I could not help remembering the first time I was sent this one.
And along with it came many many thoughts, like a dam that burst and it all poured out. And I could not help but wish that I had kept it all....

Sometime today I shall go home and open a little cardboard box and pull out some paper roses. I know I will look at them and think back to that afternoon. Pieces of my scattered life... there yesterday, gone today and yet some things outlast even my own attempts at extinction.

Mirror-

Of all the people in the world that I know,
Only one can say this to me-

Shahnaz,
You are arrogant, spoiled, and you try too hard!
You get your panties in a bunch at the sound of the word compromise!
You will not surrender to God, Mom, Dad, Brother, Friend or Lover.
You want to have your cake and eat it too-
And you were always the biggest coward when it came to pain.
Pain just means you are human.

And he made me cry. I cried and cried and cried.
Because he was right.
All of it was true.
And he knew...
All along, he knew-

And this day he said it.
In a way that I could hear it.
He said it honestly.
He said it kindly.
He broke me down completely...
And then he built me up-

For everything- thank you
For understanding, for knowing, for loving, for showing- the mirror, for breaking and building, simply for being-
Jaan you always were, jaan you'll always be... Hi jaan- thank you so much!

...it takes no time to fall in love...

a reader sent me this song-

i have never heard it before but it struck a chord

"It takes no time to fall in love,
but it takes years to know what love is...
And it takes some fears to make you trust...
And it takes tears to make it rust...
And it takes some dust to make it polished-"

ha la la lalalala la life is wonderful!

i pondered the meaning of love again today and i realized as i sat completely still in love, that love is what YOU give. it is a gift given freely. i have been lost lately because i got caught up in lies and control. i was lied to, and i was being controlled and i was controlling or trying to and that is not what love is... to me-

To me:
love is freedom
love is trust
love is acceptance
love is enjoyment
love is joyous not a burden
love is a journey not a destination
love is simply loving with no expectation for return

and so i am content today
in simply loving

*addendum*
as one of my reader's pointed out

yes... love is forgiving too...
:)