The hardest thing for me these days is sitting with my feelings... They overwhelm at times-
I knew I was someone who had shut off my feelings and I have been aware of that for a long time...It isn't a good thing, turning off feelings but in my case it has been a defense mechanism. If I had felt, I would be be flooded with it all and some days the all is too much to bear... and yet it comes- that day of flooding...it comes...and since I no longer fight and hold back my feeling...
For me one such day was today-
The hardest thing I ever did in life was tell my child that her dad and I would no longer be together- her pain was crippling to watch. It ripped my heart to shreds. I still remember her face and the way her little body tightened up in despair. That memory is forever etched in my soul...
My little one spends half her summer with her father, and it is a difficult time for me- to be without my angel...
She came to visit today- and we went out to dinner at Ruby Tuesday... The chef there prepares a special pasta for us, the sonora chicken pasta! It is no longer on their menu but it is a fabulous dish and we request it, in a charming manner, and he always obliges. We have our raspberry teas. We have our spinach and artichoke dip. To end we have their cheesecake with the raspberry topping. It is a jolly old time...
I enjoy watching my little ray of sunshine. I love seeing her grow and bloom into a bright and talented young lady. She never ceases to amaze me with her wit, her intelligence, her charm and charisma...
Today-
Dinner:-
Today at dinner she was doodling on the kids menu, and I looked on, amazed as she answered a quiz. The question asked, "what kind of music was the electric guitar first used for?" Truth be told I was ignorant of the answer... and I cheated and glanced at the back of the menu when Bubba was not looking...and then watched amazed as my pride and joy, thought for a second and with a flourish wrote down "jazz"! It was the right answer...
"Every summer I get a fluttery feeling mommy..."
"tell me about this fluttery feeling"
"It is a feeling that I know I am going to be missing my mommy and my daddy when I am here or there and I get it everyday only sometimes I forget it when I am having fun but then it usually comes back in the evenings..."
"It is hard I know....I understand..."
Movie:-
She will be flying to NYC for Father's day with her dad and step mom. She is very excited about cling up the statue of liberty and seeing Mary Poppins on Broadway... This is all the gossip we share over the Bratz movie we are watching while cuddling on the couch. It is a happy time. I love the smell of her and at the same instant I am thinking this...she says,
"I missed your smell mommy!"
I hug her close...
Bedtime:-
She talks nonstop, my little duckie. She started babbling and talking at 9 months and has not stopped since. Whenever I mutter about it under my breath, she retorts with,
"Well can you blame me... I get it from you!"
And in all honesty, that leaves me dumbstruck because the gift of gab, she does indeed get from me!
She is talking about stuff and her wish and desire is to be a vet. She tells me,
" I was telling my daddy and step mom that I want to be a vet so bad but I am sometimes scared that I will fail and become a janitor!"
And she pauses for a second...
"You didn't laugh mommy...daddy and step mom thought it was funny and it made them laugh..."
I say,
"Baby, the way you said it is funny but I know you can achieve whatever you decide to do. I did not laugh because I know you will not fail at what you set out to do. I know how talented and accomplished and smart you are."
"How do you know mommy?"
"How did you know the answer to that question about the jazz music and electric guitar?"
"Well I know what an electric guitar sounds like and I listen to jazz music with you so I figured it out!"
"That is how I know baby... you know how to put information together and figure things out! I did not know the answer to that... but YOU did! I think that is awesome..."
"You know who else would think it is awesome mommy?"
And my heart sinks and I hold my breath and count to ten...
"--- would think it is awesome too! You should call and tell him!"
I am silent. Speechless... as I debate a very difficult choice... and at last I say...
"--- and I do not talk a lot these days. We are not as good friends as we used to be..."
"Did you two break up your friendship?"
I am speechless again... I take a deep breath....
"Yes we did."
And I watch her little face illuminated by the nightlight and look on helplessly as it crumples up and she starts to cry...
I pull her close and ask,
"Why are you crying baby?"
"I don't know.... my heart feels so sad all of a sudden..."
I am struggling with the spears and daggers that each tear of hers feels like to my own heart as I hold her close and comfort her, searching desperately for words the right words, saying little motherly prayers in my head for wisdom and strength and some divine guidance to come to me so I can help this little broken heart in my care....
I give her the spiel about how all feelings are okay and that sadness and tears are like the rain and after rain comes sunshine but I know I am faltering.... and so is she....
"Even though we are not going to be very great friends anymore, you can still be friends and talk like you two used to...talk to me what are you thinking..." I say...
"I am thinking what you two said to each other to stop being friends and breaking up..."
"Sometimes people just are not meant to be friends baby. And sometimes grownups can also realize that they are not good friends..."
"like daddy and you?"
"Like daddy and me... isn't your daddy happy with step mom?"
"yes"
"well he was not very happy when he was with me and I was not very happy...if daddy had stayed with me he would never have been happy...but because he left, he can be happy with someone else and that makes him a happy daddy and happy daddies make BETTER daddies right?"
"yes"
"so it is okay for people to leave when they are not happy somewhere because then they can be happy somewhere else..."
"Will --- still want to talk to me even though I come from you and you two are not friends... will he still like me even though he does not like you anymore?"
More darts to my heart.... where does my little sweetheart get her thoughts and ideas and how much does her little heart feel and that sweet little head think, I wonder in anguish....
"Yes, baby, because people like you for who YOU are not who I am...."
"Can a grown up ever want to be friends with a kid?"
I am reminded of my own past... I am reminded of my own childhood struggles and confusions and I want soooooo desperately to help and protect my kid from the hurts of the world and I know I have to let her experience life on her own.... but that is a hard lesson to learn, for me! She faces so many challenges. She deals with the loss of her family... and it all hits home for me- hits home HARD!
"My head hurts mommy... it feels tight and there is a tension in there..."
"Speak to me baby, tell me how it feels"
"I cannot make the words come out. I cannot make them come out. I want to but the feeling is stuck and I am keeping it in and I cannot make it come out"...
My heart screams in pain for my kid now and I utter another prayer for wisdom and then it comes... the wisdom...
Feelings are like baby birds:-
"Feelings are like baby birds... meri jaan...they are all acceptable...like the little baby bird you rescued...you cannot fight them... you just have to hold them...gently...kindly... like little baby birds...you cannot fight them..."
"The baby bird kept fighting me..."
"yes but you did not fight it did you? You held it gently...close to you...and what did you say?"
"I did hold it gently and not fight it...what a nice way to make me think of my feelings...I said it is okay...I am here...I will not leave you...I will take care of you...It is okay..."
"Your feelings are like that baby...hold them close...take care of them...they are okay...it will be okay..."
"Hold me close Mommy"
"I'll hold you close, and you hold your baby birds close, and your baby birds hold all your feelings close..."
"What a nice way to think about my feelings mommy...I feel so happy and peaceful instead of sad..."
"yes baby, when you accept your feelings... there is peace...and peace is better than fighting the feelings... you should hold your fluttery feeling like a baby bird too..."
"I want --- to call me regularly and for us to talk like we used to, you know when he would call randomly and make me laugh..... he gave me really big laughs... he was a good friend and I liked him..."
"I'll call and ask him to call you when you want to talk baby...do you want to talk now?"
"No... I feel tired and all funny..."
I hold her close until she falls asleep, and then I leave her room and fall apart...
If my heart were a jazz guitar today, my heartstrings are broken...
The hardest thing for me these days is sitting with my feelings... They overwhelm at times-
17 comments:
Shahnaz - I'm a complete stranger for you. The bond of relation we have is very thin and is linked with this blog only.Do you know why do I get some time out of my tough routine and read your thoughts? Do you Know? Can You? I couldn't know so far and may be never...
Though I couldn't be a good person to talk with on MSN/ Gtalk, not a good person to socialize on facebook, not good at wit and humor too... all the stuff went against me ... but I still have a relation with you and want to see you HAPPY... Don't be sad please... time was very tough for u when u lost a relation... time is even tougher when u see your Amber growing up everyday and facing her questions... valid questions... But the good thing would be to keep ur sorrows, pains inside your heart to make urself look strong... share your feelings with Allah swt. I'm sure HE will listen to you and will protect you and your family. When u write sadly, u convey the feeling that u r losing something.... something is wrong in ur life... and a major chunk of people may think that u r not happy and in pain... I WILL NOT LIKE THAT TO HAPPEN...
U have ur KID, bro, Mom and Father... U have a perfect family... U live so far and can not mix too much with family due to staying in USA... This brings more tension... more loneliness... more questions... more pain...
I became ur fan when I was 13 years old. I want to see u spreading smiles around you. I want to see you doing wonders... I wish u rock... 24/7/365...
Is there anythin I can do for you?
May Allah Bless U! Aamin
faisal-
..."But the good thing would be to keep ur sorrows, pains inside your heart to make urself look strong"...
you would like for me to "look" strong for others instead of "BE" strong for myself?
why?
you asked why you still read my blog...
i think i can answer that for you.
I am a human just like my readers.
I am frail.
I struggle with life.
I am happy some days.
Some days i am sad.
life id=s difficult on occasion.
i have victories and successes from time to time.
some days i make mistakes.
some days i make good choices....
just like other people, like all people, like the girl next door, or the woman in Guatemala or the mother across town... i too face life and struggle with it and fight with it and TRY to make my way through it and it is all normal and it is all okay....
that is why you come and read. because in my struggles you can see your own. in my success you can relate. we are all human, faisal....
and i am strong. very strong actually. stronger than most anyone I know...
the fact that i hurt and that i feel pain and i struggle does not make me weak. admitting to my challenges does not make me weak.
expressing myself, honestly does not make me weak.
on the contrary it takes courage and strength to do so. being strong does not mean LOOKING strong for others. it means surviving your challenges and making tough choices and staying honest and true and positive and plodding on DESPITE all odds!
you mean well faisal.. you wish me well... you pray for me and feel for me and struggle when you hear my pain...
but know his dear man that because i feel pain does not mean that i am weak. it does not mean that i will forever be unhappy. it simply means that at this moment in time i feel pain.
and life is about moments faisal...
small meaningful moments that take our breath away because they teach us something, show us who we are, what we have, what life means, the treasures that we own...
life is about all those moments dear man, and in the moment when i was where i was... i was in pain... and in that moment i gave my little one a gift... i told her that her feelings are a part of her and they are okay... i taught her NEVER to do what you told me to do...
"to look strong for others..."
i taught her that she does not have to "look" anything for anyone. she just has to be herself....because "herself" is a beautiful thing... all of herself- with the pain and sadness and hurt and anger and happiness and joy and all of it!
and that is where she found peace...
in being herself...
peace my dear man...
and faisal...
MOST importantly- thanks for your care and concern, your prayers and wishes.... it means a lot!
Amen to your reply!! I just came up with an affirmation for myself a couple of days ago "The only thing you need to remain true to is your own emotions." I guess it goes a little further about what you want in life and such.
Thanks a lot for answering me in detail and tell The Reason why I'm glued to your writings...
In your personality, I see some part of myself & some part of my loved ones. I see a good, innocent and humble human being. I see agility. I see saying "NO". I see a lot of good stuff... Probably, I can relate to you... probably not much but to a reasonable extent.
U said everything right... Being tough guy doesn't mean one should show it off... tough guys see tough circumstances and they prove their toughness silently... without bragging about it... I'm convinced... I buy whatever u said... I wish May your every defeat turn into SUCCESS.
Everybody, Geo Mazzay Se... :-)
This post is important on so many levels. I love your metaphorical style of writing. I always wonder if people can really think in metaphors so much as in fiction. Do you? Did you really come up with the bird answer so brilliantly for your daughter when she asked.
"Yes, baby, because people like you for who YOU are not who I am...."
I wish I could say this to my dad. He was telling me the other day about my granfather's leaving my grandmother.
It is really good that you talk to your daughter. How old is she? She is very cute and seems very smart mashallah.
I think your story quite resembles my eldest sister's-- she got married and moved to America away from her family at the age of 19 and it didn't last very long. She didn't have any kids though and she finished her university and is now married and has a little daughter.
I am glad that you are taking your time though. You are a very mature and confident woman and that is wonderful.
Personally, I do think that it is better for two people to separate if they are not happy with each other any longer as that only has a negative impact on the child. The solace should be that you did love one another once. Love doesn't last very long mostly and a lot of marriages are unhappy drags anyways. Although separation is more common now, I think it is still not considered very normal. I intented on writing an op/ed on that but I do have to think about why your daughter's feelings. I would have thought that it is so common now that children have begun to understand. I suppose they still see other children with full homes.
I hope I am not being insensitive in analyzing your situation like this.
Btw, you look very pretty and I love your hairstyle. Congrats on getting a job and that "Gooster" piece is marvellous too.
you never reply to my comments :(
Faisal-
I think guys have been taught not to show their emotions, "big boys don't cry" and all but it's not a healthy thing. Then they use alcohol and drugs as an outlet or develop a "male stress syndrome." I saw a book by that name in a roadside booksale once. Guys should learn something from the opposite sex and let it all out in words or tears even :P It's the natural and healthy way.
amna
i agree...
males are socialized to withold emotion and they teach it to their kids as well. i also feel that our culture has taught us to withold emotion. we are asked to wipe up our tears and act strong to keep face... the opposite should be true, we should be learning how to express healthy emotions-both negative and positive ones and to learn how to tolerate and deal with them in healthy ways...
hahaha.. righhttttt..i think there is a middle ground between non display and over display of emotions in every little thing.. specially in relationships.. women need to work as much as the men to reach that middle ground.. dont hate.. lol.. We men are JUSTTTT "fine" ;).. Aren't we S .. lol
p.s. please dont gang up against me.. im innocent :P
I am amazed to read the thoughts of your little one...she is really a intelligent child. I just can wish, hope and pray for you guys .........God always do better (It is my faith) and He will definitely.
I love the last part of this post in which u have describes that feelings are like baby birds.....
Ali-
I agree that there should be a middle ground. For sure. As a matter of fact, men seem to listen to their passions/ emotions more than women do at times. As for display, women also tend to bottle-up a lot which can result in sudden outbursts or health problems as well. Especially when you consider the emotion of anger-- culturally, it's ok for them to cry but not show anger.
I was just talking about guys because Faisal used that vocabulory: "Being tough guy doesn't mean one should show it off... tough guys see tough circumstances and they prove their toughness silently... without bragging about it"
In any case, he does talk about his feelings very openly too so indeed you guys are just fine :P I mean who is perfect?
I mean who is perfect? ........
me me me meee...
@ Amna - You said right. Its part of the training of any baby boy. U must have heard the cliched line "Mard ko dard nahi hota"... We males do feel pain but naturally the expression is different when compared to opposite sex... I couldn't understand it till now... may be proved biologically...
I can see a very proud mother and rightly so. Your daughter is not only smart & talented she appears to have her head in the right place. With a feeling doc for a mom she will have her heart & emotions in the right place too.
Shahnaz, for you my freind I wish so much. it sounds trite but sometimes fate throws us into these deep holes of despair and while we r clawing our way out all is dark, gloomy and seems to last forever. but here is light once we reach the top. time dulls so many blows even if it doesn't heal them.
baby birds turn into big birds and fly off to explore, despite all the perils the journey brings.
if there is anything i can ever do for u, just holler.
hugs
TH
You're the bestest mother...
Omg!I got your blog today and I spent my day reading this.it was like somebody talking for me, you really sounds like me.every word I felt in the depth of my soul.god bless you and your darling daughter!
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